I had a dream...

I met a boy. We were happy. We went to a party and daddy was there. He met daddy, so did mommy and didi. But I was too shocked to see daddy, I hugged him and cried. When I turned around, he was nowhere to be found. Where are you? Are you the one? Is daddy giving me a sign?

Is this the start of a beautiful dream? Or is this just another daydream?

No matter what happens, let's hope it will be a good few months ahead =)

Another New Beginning

Dear spiderweb-ridden blog,

I have not forgotten you. I just did not have the time and energy to blog previously because of work and other EXCUSES (yes, I know they are just excuses). But now that I have quit my job in search of a new beginning and real adventure, I have decided to feed you with a post or two, or maybe more. (I should thank a friend for reminding me that I still have a blog and asked me to write again. Thank you! You know who you are.)

So, I'm an unemployed bum right now, trying to travel around the world on my limited finance (unless I find a job soon). First stop, Vietnam (Hanoi, Sapa, Halong Bay) with a friend I've known since childhood, the longest friend I've known. I believe we've known each other even before he was born! *haha* Our dads were best friends, and our mums eventually became friends, so when we were born of course we ended up friends too! I suppose they are more like family now, and how I wish I would have such a friend in the future, where our children will become good friends too =)

Vietnam though there were ups and downs had been definitely a great experience and adventure! =D Next up I'm planning for my Korea trip, New Zealand work and travel and whatever that comes in between! ^_^ Looking forward to a year of self-centered ME enjoying life to the fullest!

The Economics of Life

Sometimes, sitting at a rooftop by the pool with a friend looking towards a majestic view and talking about life is just what one needs.

Life is all about making choices and opportunity cost. What you are willing to forego will highly depend on your calculations of the marginal utility that you will be gaining, in relation to the law of diminishing returns.

But as humans, we are all selfish, and would always want the best of both worlds. So what happens then? The solution that was given to me was to just make the best of what I have, look at the half glass of water as half-full instead of half-empty and stay positive and optimistic.

I understand that it is important to have a goal in life; the carrot or whatever reward at the end of the line that one is willing to work hard for. You may not get to the reward at the end, but sometimes it's not the end result that counts, but the fact that you have tried your best and the journey that got you there.

However, I am currently having a tough time figuring out what my carrot is, who knows it might not even be a carrot but an apple, orange, potato or just a piece of plain toast. Other than that, I supposed fear is holding me back too. The fear of failure and rejection always caused me to over analyze things and make it difficult to make my choice.

Have I succumbed to being complacent with life? Do I really need to be put in a state of true desperation before I finally realize what it is that I truly want?

Unconditionally

I've finally come across it in reality.
But I'm still having a hard time understanding it.
I don't think I can ever love anyone unconditionally.
It just doesn't make sense.

The Egg Story

A wise friend once told me a story about eggs, which I think is very meaningful and true.

Once upon a time, there was a man who had a fat hen that will lay two big beautiful eggs each day. Everyday after the hen had lay the eggs, the man would collect it from the pen to cook it for breakfast. But before he makes his scrumptious omelette or poached egg or sunny-side-up or scramble egg or whatever he feels like having that morning, he would always give one of the egg to his friend who lives next door. So day after day, the friend would always have a yummy egg breakfast too, and that was how it went for a very long while.

Then came one fine day, when the man went to collect the eggs from the pen, he saw a poor man walked past. He felt obliged to help the poor man, therefore gave one of the eggs to him. That day he did not give his friend any eggs, but went straight home to make his breakfast. The friend, who by now was so used to getting an egg everyday from the man, waited by the window for the egg to come.

So waited he did, from dawn to dusk, but no egg ever came. By nightfall, the friend had been so hungry that he was in a very sour and grumpy mood. He marched angrily up to the man's house and asked where his share of the day's eggs was. When the man explained that he had given one of the eggs to a poor man and had not enough to share, the friend threw a fit demanding that the egg was his and should not have been given to the poor man. All these while, the friend had assumed that the egg belonged to him because it was what he got everyday. However, the egg had never been his to begin with because both eggs belonged to the man. It was of course up to the man to give the extra egg to whoever he wants.

Thus, the moral of this story is that we should never take things for granted. It could end up becoming such a habit that it embeds the idea of ownership to things that never belonged to us in the first place. When the things we unrightly claim to be ours are suddenly taken away, we tend to get angry and start putting the blame on others. This is a very false mindset that many of us have. You may think that it is easy to see that the egg's rightful owner has always been the man, but substitute the 'egg' in the story with 'love' and 'trust' or other intangible things, it may not appear that straightforward.

A person's love is never yours to begin with, it is always up to the person whether or not it is to be given to you, and it can always be taken back. A person's trust is also not yours to keep, as trust is a fragile thing that can be easily broken and withdrawn. So never take anything from anyone for granted because one day when you no longer receive it, you will miss it dearly.

I can't read minds

Everytime when people learned that I did Psychology in university, they always ask "So you can read minds/people?" And the sad answer is "No, I can't!"

I'm actually pretty bad when it comes to reading people, or maybe I just don't trust my instincts/intuition enough or just couldn't be bothered reading them because I prefer to judge a person based on how s/he interacts with me in reality. That is to say, as long as Person A treats me a particular way, that is how s/he will be in my books unless proven otherwise; I won't try to second guess their intentions except under certain circumstances.

You may say I'm naive for behaving that way, but I don't see the point of complicating matters which I cannot fully comprehend. The human mind is a complex mechanism that produces complicated output, but I like things to be simple. I guess I am turning a blind eye on the ugly-ness of human nature, but why make life difficult for oneself by doubting others?

No doubt that gaining more understanding of the people around you will give you an added advantage and prevent oneself from being deceived. Though how reliable is that understanding? Psychology had taught me that everything is subjective and there will always be outliers, heck we even calculate standard deviation for our experiments! So what does that tell you? There is never a right or wrong answer when it comes to understanding humans, there are only generalizations, which can be dangerous when applied wrongly or misused.

So let me ask you this...would you want the ability to read what is on another's mind?

"You may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one. I hope someday you will join us, and the world will live as one."

- Imagine by John Lennon

Tears

"That's better. Why are you crying? You never cry." - Fifty Shades of Grey by E. L. James

Crying to me has always been a sign of weakness. I never used to cry easily, I never get emotional easily either. I somewhat believe I have been conditioned not to cry because crying would bring about more punishment. I was taught earlier on that crying never gets you what you want, so I stopped crying.

My colleague asked me a funny question yesterday "Do you sometimes just start crying out of a sudden for no reason?" I find it a really weird question to ask. I don't believe people cry for no reason. There is always a reason, it's just whether you are aware of it or not.

I remember the time when we were at the hospital when dad passed away, I cried, briefly but hard. I didn't cry after that, not at the wake, not at the funeral, not at all for a few months. In fact, I never cry at funerals. I couldn't find any reason to cry, the dead cannot be brought back to life, and nobody could change that, not if I cry. I know it is not right, we need to grieve, but I couldn't find the right channel to do so. Bro was the same and mum was trying to be strong for us, and that caused a lot of penned up emotion among the three of us. During that year, we always got angry at each other easily, shouted at each other all the time, it was difficult. I knew why and what was causing it, but I just couldn't stop myself from getting angry and shouting. It was our way of communicating and releasing the emotional pressure, however wrong and inappropriate it was.

One day, bro and I were arguing over something really petty. I just blew up and started shouting at the top of my lungs. I had no idea why I was so angry. It was such a silly argument over such a silly thing, but I was so angry to the point where I just started crying. I remember hiding in my room curled up on my bed, and having a long hard cry. It took a while to realize the main reason I was crying, and the more I thought of the reason, the more I cried. It was a long while before I calmed down and slept a little before I faced the world again.

I finally realized the healing powers of a good hard cry. That was roughly half a year after dad passed away.

Since then, I am more easily touched and affected by emotional things (yes, they are things because I'm trying to depersonalize it >_<). I don't know if this is a good thing because I feel more vulnerable. I still can't shed the notion of crying being a form of weakness even though I have experienced it's healing side. Crying is not my thing, being weak is not my thing.

So if I ever cry, it means something.

Another Death

3 years ago, daddy passed away...
Several months back, a friend's father passed...
Just yesterday, one of my best friend lost her mom =(

Every time I hear of a close friend losing someone, especially a parent, my heart will start to beat faster, and I get into this panicky mode that makes me want to fly over to wherever they are and give them a super big hug that will squeeze away all the sorrow and provide some warmth and comfort, however little it may be, without saying a word. It's impossible to do that, I know. So I grab the nearest huggable thing I can find. It takes a while to calm myself down. I guess it just brings back certain feelings that I try so hard to bury.

It's going to be exactly 3 years in 2 days. A lot has changed since, and we are adapting in various ways. I think I can safely say that we're doing pretty good so far, and I hope it will continue to be good. For all those who have lost someone, it is important to know that things will be ok =) There's always someone out there who cares ♥ Be strong!

p.s. Daddy, if you are looking over me...please let me find an awesome job soon XD

The Invisible Boundary

It exists, there's no denying it.

We danced dangerously close,

but always cautious never to cross over.

At the breaching point,

awaits unknown consequences.

The invisible boundary,

keeps us safe.

picture from I'm Katt, me0w!

Princess at Heart

Every girl wants to feel like a ♔ princess ♔ sometimes.

Fill in the blanks

Masking is a term in __________ experiments where a __________ stimulus becomes ____________ by the presentation of a __________ stimulus in close temporal or spatial proximity to it, and may occur in any sensory modality.

I deserve better

It's personal.

The Son of Man

This is a related post to 500 Days of Summer.

"At least it hides the face partly. Well, so you have the apparent face, the apple, hiding the visible but hidden, the face of the person. It's something that happens constantly. Everything we see hides another thing, we always want to see what is hidden by what we see. There is an interest in that which is hidden and which the visible does not show us. This interest can take the form of a quite intense feeling, a sort of conflict, one might say, between the visible that is hidden and the visible that is present."

- René Magritte

Narrator: As he listened, Tom began to realize that these stories weren't routinely told. These were stories one had to earn. He could feel the wall coming down. He wondered if anyone else had made it this far. Which is why the next six words changed everything.

Summer: I've never told anybody that before.

Tom: I guess I'm not just anybody.

500 Days of Summer

This is quite an old movie, but I only knew about it after reading Jeanette's post. From the way she described it, it seemed quite interesting and relatable so I decided to watch it. Little did I know, the movie was way more relatable than I've imagined, to the point that it was a little scary. It even made me cry, twice! For those who know me, you should know that this is very abnormal. But then I guess sometimes you just need to let it out. Re-watched P.S. I Love You the other day and cried as well (I didn't the first time), so maybe I was just stress and in an emo mood. Anyway, 500 Days of Summer really had an effect on me (that's why it's worthy of a full blog post!). It is hard to describe what happened, but maybe you'll get a hint of how I felt by understanding what I thought about Summer and Tom.

SUMMER

Most people I've talked to thinks that Summer is a heartless bitch. I don't blame them. However, I find that she's only the way she is because of her insecurities, which was what made her so stone cold at times. She seems so carefree in the movie, doing whatever she pleases without a care in the world, as if nothing could harm her. A bit selfish, but then who isn't. I'd have thought she was a woman with an ice-cold heart as well if it were not for the scene where she brought Tom to her place and told him her secrets, and the park scene. If only I could wake up one morning like Summer and just know.

TOM

He appears to be very emotional and vulnerable, which earned him lots of sympathies. I didn't expect to relate to him as much before watching the movie, but surprisingly it wasn't hard to. He was so madly in love with Summer that he didn't see it wasn't the case for Summer, even though she had explicitly told him so from the start (one of the reason why I don't think Summer is a bitch). It's just so heartbreaking to see Tom after Summer left him. Though I find him a little pathetic at times, maybe that's just what being lovesick and heartbroken is like. If only I could believe like how Tom believe.

Many say that it is a sad movie with an unhappy ending. I beg to disagree. As the tagline says "This is not a love story...this is a story about love" and that is exactly what it is. Tom taught Summer to believe in love. Even when he said he had stop believing, it was only because it hurt too much. I think everyone has a little of both Summer and Tom in them, regardless of how much they deny it. One may have more of Summer or more of Tom in them, but both will always be present.

I actually have so much more to say about this movie, but it's getting really late and I'm getting sleepy. So I'm just going to end it here before I end up writing something stupid. Who knows I might come back and edit this some other day. Read a related post here.

Now who wants to play the Penis Game?

PENIS! XD

Stressed spelled backwards is desserts

I'm really stressed. Really really really stressed.

It's not just because of exam.

There are other things to worry about.

If it doesn't work out, I'm going to be blamed =(

It's going to be my fault T_T

There'll be so much disappointment =(

So please just do me a favor and come in time *fingers cross*

I'll be forever grateful and never leave things till the last minute ever again!

picture by r.grace

This is exactly how I feel right now.

A lot of spiky bits poking around but I just don't know what to do.

!!!ARGH!!!

If only stress can really turn into dessert and be gobbled up >_<

*sigh*

Alphabets

The ABC's

My icanread

I've mentioned countless of times before (here, here and here) that I would make a post for icanread because I could never find the one that I'm looking for. Half a year ago, I made this but never posted it up. I've submitted it to icanread but it never came up so I'm just going to share it here.

Background photo by Nickdan

It still doesn't depict what I really want, but it's personal enough to count I guess.

Eat a peach, read a quote.

Originally wanted to post this on tumblr
but couldn't get the layout to work the way I wanted
so it's now here.

"Sometimes, its so bright it looked as if it was gonna explode into the night sky like fireworks, but then the next minute, it becomes so dim, so dim that darkness attempts to creep in again."

- Jeannette Liaw

"Peaches" by New Heights was used in The Jubilee Project short film "Love Language" which was produced to raise funds and awareness for the American Society for Deaf Children.

许愿

许愿: to make a wish

所愿成就

Forever Young

永远快乐

^_^

Obsession

Started reading The Zahir the day before, just because I felt like reading something, and it seemed like a good read at that time. I've started the book before, but never finished it for whatever reason I have forgotten. Usually it's because it's boring for I don't understand it, especially with books such as The Zahir. But today, about two-thirds through the book, I started to realize something, or rather I felt something. I know I usually get into a sort of state when I read, especially with these kind of books. But the feeling today was very peculiar, which is why I am writing about it now. It left me feeling like there's something empty inside me, things are emptying out. It's not a very pleasant feeling I must say, but it sort of gives me hope that maybe if things are emptying out that I can start to let things in, which I'm usually afraid of doing. It's a very weird feeling I must say. Maybe Paulo Coelho's book are really as spiritual as they say, though I certainly did not remember feeling this way when I read The Alchemist. I have yet to finish The Zahir, I don't know how I will feel when I turn over the last page. But as of now, it really is having an effect on me. The hole in the heart feeling is so great that I even have to put a pillow over my chest in order for me to continue reading, though it doesn't really help much as the feeling still remains. I thought by writing about it that it may go away, but I can still feel it right now. It's a very weird feeling indeed. I really hope I can understand the true meaning of The Zahir by the end of the book. Till then, I'll just have to wait for the epiphany or whatever and continue reading.

p.s. I'm not crazy.