Tears

"That's better. Why are you crying? You never cry." - Fifty Shades of Grey by E. L. James

Crying to me has always been a sign of weakness. I never used to cry easily, I never get emotional easily either. I somewhat believe I have been conditioned not to cry because crying would bring about more punishment. I was taught earlier on that crying never gets you what you want, so I stopped crying.

My colleague asked me a funny question yesterday "Do you sometimes just start crying out of a sudden for no reason?" I find it a really weird question to ask. I don't believe people cry for no reason. There is always a reason, it's just whether you are aware of it or not.

I remember the time when we were at the hospital when dad passed away, I cried, briefly but hard. I didn't cry after that, not at the wake, not at the funeral, not at all for a few months. In fact, I never cry at funerals. I couldn't find any reason to cry, the dead cannot be brought back to life, and nobody could change that, not if I cry. I know it is not right, we need to grieve, but I couldn't find the right channel to do so. Bro was the same and mum was trying to be strong for us, and that caused a lot of penned up emotion among the three of us. During that year, we always got angry at each other easily, shouted at each other all the time, it was difficult. I knew why and what was causing it, but I just couldn't stop myself from getting angry and shouting. It was our way of communicating and releasing the emotional pressure, however wrong and inappropriate it was.

One day, bro and I were arguing over something really petty. I just blew up and started shouting at the top of my lungs. I had no idea why I was so angry. It was such a silly argument over such a silly thing, but I was so angry to the point where I just started crying. I remember hiding in my room curled up on my bed, and having a long hard cry. It took a while to realize the main reason I was crying, and the more I thought of the reason, the more I cried. It was a long while before I calmed down and slept a little before I faced the world again.

I finally realized the healing powers of a good hard cry. That was roughly half a year after dad passed away.

Since then, I am more easily touched and affected by emotional things (yes, they are things because I'm trying to depersonalize it >_<). I don't know if this is a good thing because I feel more vulnerable. I still can't shed the notion of crying being a form of weakness even though I have experienced it's healing side. Crying is not my thing, being weak is not my thing.

So if I ever cry, it means something.