Tears

"That's better. Why are you crying? You never cry." - Fifty Shades of Grey by E. L. James

Crying to me has always been a sign of weakness. I never used to cry easily, I never get emotional easily either. I somewhat believe I have been conditioned not to cry because crying would bring about more punishment. I was taught earlier on that crying never gets you what you want, so I stopped crying.

My colleague asked me a funny question yesterday "Do you sometimes just start crying out of a sudden for no reason?" I find it a really weird question to ask. I don't believe people cry for no reason. There is always a reason, it's just whether you are aware of it or not.

I remember the time when we were at the hospital when dad passed away, I cried, briefly but hard. I didn't cry after that, not at the wake, not at the funeral, not at all for a few months. In fact, I never cry at funerals. I couldn't find any reason to cry, the dead cannot be brought back to life, and nobody could change that, not if I cry. I know it is not right, we need to grieve, but I couldn't find the right channel to do so. Bro was the same and mum was trying to be strong for us, and that caused a lot of penned up emotion among the three of us. During that year, we always got angry at each other easily, shouted at each other all the time, it was difficult. I knew why and what was causing it, but I just couldn't stop myself from getting angry and shouting. It was our way of communicating and releasing the emotional pressure, however wrong and inappropriate it was.

One day, bro and I were arguing over something really petty. I just blew up and started shouting at the top of my lungs. I had no idea why I was so angry. It was such a silly argument over such a silly thing, but I was so angry to the point where I just started crying. I remember hiding in my room curled up on my bed, and having a long hard cry. It took a while to realize the main reason I was crying, and the more I thought of the reason, the more I cried. It was a long while before I calmed down and slept a little before I faced the world again.

I finally realized the healing powers of a good hard cry. That was roughly half a year after dad passed away.

Since then, I am more easily touched and affected by emotional things (yes, they are things because I'm trying to depersonalize it >_<). I don't know if this is a good thing because I feel more vulnerable. I still can't shed the notion of crying being a form of weakness even though I have experienced it's healing side. Crying is not my thing, being weak is not my thing.

So if I ever cry, it means something.

Branding

Personal branding is defined as the creation of an asset that pertains to a particular person or individual; this includes but is not limited to the body, clothing, appearance and knowledge contained within, leading to an indelible impression that is uniquely distinguishable — according to Wikipedia.

The above is apparently my personal branding, or in other words how I appear to my colleagues. Sweet? Charming? Pretty? Comel? Many would be delighted to have people say such thing about them. I don't deny feeling good for a bit when I found out, however, I realized that out of 9 people, only 2 thought I was helpful and easy to mingle. What does that say about me as a person? I don't seem smart, friendly or professional then?

I can't help but think people only wrote whatever they did because they don't know what else to write and is just being nice. I don't think I'm sweet, charming nor very pretty or comel. People who really know me would probably agree with me and think it's a joke -_-'' Even if they did mean what they say, does that mean I'm basically just a nice-looking empty shell there for decorative purpose?

Is this really a reflection of how I am at work? Labelled under the "dumb blonde" category? =( I often question why I got into this management trainee program but failed in all the other ones. Why? What if they got the wrong person for the job?

There have been a few times in the past couple of weeks where I was put on the spot and end up saying or doing stupid things. I believe I would be forgiven since trainees are seen to be still learning, but no doubt it'll affect my evaluation somewhat =/

It's only been slightly more than 2 months since I started working at N. But the 2 months had been so different compared to my previous job. No stress, no late nights, and I feel so much closer to many of my current colleagues in these past 2 months than most of my ex-colleagues whom I've worked and OT-ed with for 3 months.

Nobody knows what will happen next year once they switch to being performance-based, nobody knows what will happen after 15 months when I hopefully graduate from the program, but I know that despite being possibly labelled as a "dumb blonde" I am definitely much happier working at N =D

Art Attacked!

Three weeks and a rejection later, I have come to another decision:

I AM GOING TO ART SCHOOL!

I've always liked art and have always wanted to take art in high school. Dad didn't approve of it at that time, and by the time he allowed me to change my subjects, it was already too late. Later on, I thought I could take art as an elective in university, but Monash don't offer such unit at the Sunway Campus, so the closest thing I got was Contemporary Film Studies.

Now that I've finished my degree and have unfortunately been unable to find a job for the past three months, it got me thinking. Why not take up an art course?

I was so bored during my whole unemployment period that I made a friend a hoodie card.

I don't mean to brag, but I must say I was rather proud of myself =D

Don't ya think? =P

Since it wouldn't hurt my CV to pick up some mad Photoshop and Illustrator skills, I figured I might as well learn something useful if I still can't get a job by the end of this month. I did a bit of googling for adult art courses and found Claz'room. They offer 1.5 year full-time courses and monthly part-time courses as well. The full-time Illustration course next intake is this coming September and cost less than RM20,000 for the whole thing, inclusive of a free laptop and tablet! Freaking worth it or what?! But of course I don't have that much money =( So unless mum approves, I'll just have to keep looking for a job until I find one =/

However, now that I've found this little gem of a place, I have decided that even if I've gotten a job I'm still going to take up the art course =) They offer part-time courses during weekends, and is way cheaper compared to the full-time one so I'll be able to pay for it myself ^_^

It is a far cry from your usual art school, and I'd actually prefer a more rounded course that includes traditional media, some theories and stuff like photography, multimedia, printing, sculpting etc. But it's hard to come by those in Malaysia. The One Academy came pretty close, but it's too institutional for my need. So let's hope mum approves if I don't get any offers by this month *fingers cross* >_<

The Beautiful Job

I don't remember the last time I've wanted a particular job so badly except for the Kraft one which there was never any hope =S This time around, so much hope was given to the point where I'm afraid that they were all false hope =( On top of that, I had to go and be stupid and be late for my final interview! T^T I really hope they will overlook the fact and find my fondness for Harry Potter amusing. Seeing the interviewer write 'Harry Potter again!!' on the response sheet is quite unnerving -.-''

Never have I imagined I'd be so interested in working for a beauty company when I was never one-of-those-girls (you know what I mean). But after learning so much about L'Oréal from preparing for the interviews and assessments, I've realized that maybe it is a good place to start after all =) I believe I do have a passion for Marketing, and as YSL puts it, cosmetics are easier to buy, so why not start my passion where I can learn to be more beautiful eh! ('eh' in this case refers to the Canadian context and not the Malaysian context =P)

Since my second bout of job hunting was brought on mainly by my sudden faith in my much ignored and neglected intuition, a lot of the decisions made were based on my feelings and instincts. Call me superstitious or whatever, but I've seen too many signs to believe that I've made the wrong choice.

The day before my first interview with L'Oréal, I came upon the quote at the start of this post on my Tumblr dashboard. For those who don't know, YSL's beauty line is under the L'Oréal umbrella, so naturally I took it as an omen, for good or for bad. Stupidly naive as I was, I told the interviewer that L'Oréal was never my top choice of employer due to my indifferent attitude towards make-up and the likes (as I've mentioned, I'm really NOT one-of-those-girls). Thinking things could not have gone more wrong, he asked me one last question "What is your favorite color?" I don't know if it's what being thought at recruitment workshops and seminars, but it seems to be a popular question among interviewers =/ Color psychology at work? Anyway, I told him I like the color red (it was the color that just so happens to pop into my mind) and crapped on about why I like it. Honestly, I don't even have a favorite color because it changes all the time varying with different circumstances, so I really don't know why employers even bother to ask. All that said, maybe his favorite color was red too, so much to my surprise, I was delightedly informed I was moving on to the next round =)

As luck would have it, I went away for a nice and relaxing vacation to the middle of nowhere in far far away land before my assessment. By the time I was back, I only had a day to prepare myself. It takes a while to get back the rhythm after such a carefree holiday, thus I barely prepared anything worthwhile. Arriving at the assessment center, I was surrounded by candidates with background and experiences far exceeding my own. Feeling slightly dejected, I told myself I'd just enjoy the day as much as I can and learn whatever that can be learned. The whole process turned out to be really fun and we were even treated to Chatime during break =D The assessments were by far less taxing compared to many held by other MNCs, though still required certain knowledge and skills. Unlike other assessments centers I've been to, where they put you under massive amount of pressure, adding nerves to it and force you to perform; I found L'Oréal's approach highly amicable (no wonder they are rated one of the best employers globally). Without realizing it, I left the assessment center with a satisfied smile and a little bit more hope =D

On that same night, I received an e-mail prodding me towards the next assessment which was to be done online. Receiving it so soon, I could only assume that everyone at the assessment center that day was entitled to it as long as they did not perform terribly. I never found out how I did on those tests, but it was good enough to manage a spot in the final round of interview YAY! ^_^ The happiness did not last, there was no news after that for nearly 3 weeks, and I was starting to believe that they have found someone better and merely forgotten to inform me I no longer have to attend the interview. Holding on to the last shred of hope I've got, I shot them a desperate e-mail. Hope was returned as I was granted my final interview the following week =)

Putting a lot of faith in getting this job, I have stopped proactively applying for other jobs these past few weeks. Though doubt still had me browsing JobStreet to keep an eye for openings, and lo and behold! I saw an ad from my previous employer looking to hire new managers O_O It could be that they are really expanding, but I have a feeling that either a few staffs are planning to leave or some ugly shit has happened after I left. Nonetheless, I'm glad I've left before all of it and I have no regrets of leaving.

Seeing as I wanted the L'Oréal job so much, I should have prepared myself better for the final interview and arrive early, but I did not and was late instead =( Anyhow what is done is done, all I can do now is wish for the best *fingers cross*

Thus, I have the following resolutions:

If I get the job, I will...

• Sponsor a World Vision child.
• Keep a pair of Marimos at the office as pets.
• Save up for an overseas trip.
• Buy myself a pair of Ray-Ban Aviator.

So, until next week when the final judgment is delivered...
(It would be rather embarrassing to not get the job after such a lengthy post *cringe*)

On a side note, I came to remember that I happened to have used L'Oréal as a case study for one of my very first university assignments. Is it a sign or just mere coincidence?

---

UPDATES:
Excruciating days passed as I waited for the final reply. I woke up in the morning to a call for interview from another MNC still in hope that I would hear good news from L'Oréal. But as life would have it, I was meant to be late that day and was never meant to get the job =( This nearly 3-months long work drought is really pushing me to my wits' end T_T

Sleeping Together

'Sleeping together', a purely innocent act has been defiled by being the constant euphemism for 'having sex'. So much so that the thought of having two people sleeping together can cause so much unrest in some.

Thanks to the media, and all those uneducated/stupid people who throws babies at the roadside, the act of simply sleeping together conjures up so many imaginative or should I say UN-imaginative scenarios in people's mind. Why can't the meaning of sleeping together just be taken literally sometimes?

Being able to sleep together with your loved ones or even your friends should be a nice little privilege. You get to have quiet pillow talks before you fall asleep, tease and cuddle each other and wake up to whispers of good morning and possibly kisses (if you're not particular with morning breath *haha*). Taking words from a sleep specialist - Dr. Beth Malow, sleeping together is actually healthy for relationships because it can be emotionally healing. I'm pretty sure it does not only apply to relationship between couples, but also relationship between friends. Why else do you think that sleepover parties are ever so popular?

The mindset of sleeping together = having sex has really got to change. I understand that urges are sometimes hard to control, and anything can happen. But sleeping together does not mean that you are going to get a surprise in the next 9 months! Even if two people doesn't sleep together, they can still have sex. I can easily just fuck someone and then leave. So food for thought to you peeps out there who thinks sleeping together literally is such a taboo >_<

The True Insight

It's been nearly 2 months since I last blogged. *haihz* I've always thought people just say studying life is better than working life because that's just what people say. However, now that I've actually started working, I have to admit it's 100% true. Despite the fact that I like my job, I still think life was better as a student.

1. You have more freedom as a student e.g. skipping class, but there's no such thing as skipping work because you'll just be bombarded with a mountain of work when you return.
2. The consequences of procrastination back in university would mean burning the midnight oil for a few days, submitting assignments late or getting a bad grade. But if you procrastinate work, you will miss deadlines, cost your client and company and possibly get fired.
3. Back in school, you hang out with the people you like, stay far far away from the people you don't like and bitch about them behind their backs. At the office, you are forced to work with people who don't like you or the people you don't like. You can't bitch with your other colleagues because there's this ugly thing called "office politics" which could jeopardize your career.
4. Time is so precious now that you work 5 days a week instead of getting a 3-day weekend. Working long and unfixed hours totally cut down your own personal time. Now, only the weekend is left, and there's still friends and family.

There are actually still so much more that I want to say. But the clock is ticking, and there's a morning alarm that I can't miss tomorrow because it's a working day. So there you have it, the true insight of a working fresh graduate. Pardon the hasty conclusion, I shall come back to this topic again when I have more time.

What do I want?

Another Death

3 years ago, daddy passed away...
Several months back, a friend's father passed...
Just yesterday, one of my best friend lost her mom =(

Every time I hear of a close friend losing someone, especially a parent, my heart will start to beat faster, and I get into this panicky mode that makes me want to fly over to wherever they are and give them a super big hug that will squeeze away all the sorrow and provide some warmth and comfort, however little it may be, without saying a word. It's impossible to do that, I know. So I grab the nearest huggable thing I can find. It takes a while to calm myself down. I guess it just brings back certain feelings that I try so hard to bury.

It's going to be exactly 3 years in 2 days. A lot has changed since, and we are adapting in various ways. I think I can safely say that we're doing pretty good so far, and I hope it will continue to be good. For all those who have lost someone, it is important to know that things will be ok =) There's always someone out there who cares ♥ Be strong!

p.s. Daddy, if you are looking over me...please let me find an awesome job soon XD

Just My Luck!

My driving licence had expired for more than 3 months without me realizing it.

It was just my luck that there was a roadblock near my house on New Year's.
It was just my luck that I got asked to pull over.
It was just my luck that it was the first time I was going to get a summon.
It was just my luck that he was a young police officer.
It was just my luck that he might have been trying to flirt.
It was just my luck that acting like a stupid bimbo and begging worked in my favor.
It was just my luck that I didn't drink a lot.
It was just my luck that Bibi was with me.
It was just my luck that Bibi's brother happens to be a traffic police.
It was just my luck that the police officer didn't issued me a summon.
It was just my luck that the police officer didn't ask for a bribe either.

I've used up my year's worth of luck within the first few hours of 2012 -_-''